In all seriousness, why not spend the money you would otherwise pay for a file cabinet on a ScanSnap S510 scanner and opt for a paperless life?
The only paper I have is my birth certificate, my social security card, and a few signed original contracts. Even your back tax records and receipts can be scanned and stores with no problem.
I originally found the ScanSnap through a post on 43Folders.com about paperless living, and I'm a huge fan. The OCR is fantastic, so you can search for words even from crumpled receipts and it usually brings them up. The initial switch to paperless is a bit time-consuming (if you can hire a young niece or nephew, that makes it easier) but as you go along dropping a few papers in here and there is a breeze.
The key is to then use a seamless backup system like JungleDisk (which backs up all folders I specified on my computer every five minutes) so in case of a hard drive failure, your files are immediately accessible via Amazon's web servers. This is supremely more secure than a file cabinet which could be stolen, damaged, catch fire, etc.
I struggled for a long time to find the perfect paper storage furniture solution, only to stumble upon the realization that I didn't actually need any of the paper.